April Fools: Bruins to change name to Squirrels

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April Fools: Bruins to change name to Squirrels

Brody collapses in despair after hearing the news of his replacement, though witnesses report overhearing his plans to go salmon fishing in Alaska during retirement. Photo: Andrew Pledger

This article contains fictional content. Happy April Fools’ Day!

After a series of lengthy Zoom meetings, BJU Bruins committee has unanimously voted to change the name of BJU sports from the “Bruins” to the “Squirrels.”

According to Jonny Gamet, sports misinformation director for the newly named Squirrels, the decision was a heartfelt memorial to the best example of sacrifice the University has experienced since its 1927 founding. “The idea came to us when a squirrel saved a student’s life last year,” Gamet said.

In November 2020, freshman astrobiology major Smatta Thanu was nearly run over by Greenville resident Ishuden Havedunnit when Havedunnit ran a stop sign. “It was the scariest moment of my life,” Thanu said. “But also I was kinda looking forward to that free tuition, if you know what I’m saying.” Havedunnit was recklessly exceeding the 5 mph speed limit when he came to the intersection. “I just feel so ashamed of my actions,” Havedunnit said, “But thank goodness that squirrel was there to save both of us from a terrible outcome.”

Just before Havedunnit would have struck Thanu, a BJU campus resident squirrel launched himself in the way. Havedunnit slammed on the brakes, startled by the thump, avoiding Thanu with a near miss.

“After that kind of heroic act, we just didn’t feel right not doing something to honor that squirrel’s life,” Gamet said, shaking his head. “We want all of BJU’s athletes to have that kind of selfless dedication to their team.”

Brody collapses in despair after hearing the news of his replacement, though witnesses report overhearing his plans to go salmon fishing in Alaska during retirement. Photo: Andrew Pledger

Squirrels athlete Katelyn Lain thinks the decision will motivate the team. “I think the decision will motivate the team,” Lain said. Lain also said the new change will be a fresh start for the athletes and a squirrel definitely did not bribe her into saying that. “I think the new change will be a fresh start for the athletes,” Lain said. “And a squirrel definitely didn’t bribe me into saying that.”

As a result of the change in name, the Squirrels will begin accepting applications for a new squirrel mascot in May. According to the job description, the mascot must be “bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.” Brody, the former Bruins mascot, was not a fan of the decision. “Now I’m panicking,” Brody said, “Because I’m gonna lose my job.”

According to Brody, the squirrel had not acted out of heroics, but had been chasing a nut that had rolled into the street. “He wasn’t being heroic! Squirrels don’t even have sharp claws! Have you seen my claws?,” Brody said. “How’s a squirrel going to intimidate anybody? By puffing up its cheeks? I have CLAWS!”

Jewel Schuurmans, junior excellence major and all-around extraordinaire, claimed that the idea for the change came from her. “I was there when the accident happened,” Schuurmans said, “Because I’m always there when something important happens.”

“Jewel’s extremely brilliant and super impressive idea has changed the BJU athletic program for the rest of time,” Gamet said. “She’s undoubtedly the reason our program will now win every single game we play. We should just graduate her right now. With a doctorate.”

Havedunnit donated $100 to the BJU Demerits 4 Charity Fund in the name of the squirrel he ran over, and also set up a GoFundMe page for the squirrel’s family. Anyone interested in donating can contact Havedunnit at helpthesquirrels@juno.com.

Updated team merchandise, including squirrel tails and buck teeth, will hit the Squirrels Shop in The Den on Monday morning. The DFH and Fremont Fitness Center are scheduled for remodels over the summer.