This article contains fictional content. Happy April Fools’ Day!

We live in an age where a person’s success can be instantly tanked by things they have said in both the past and the present. We’re held accountable not only for intentionally sharing genuinely offensive opinions, but also for things we’ve said without thought.

“When are you expecting?” “I’m NOT pregnant!” The best intentions, the worst executions. “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!” Canceled. “Haha! What a ridiculous name.” “That’s my mother’s name.” Another mistake.

We have a responsibility to be careful with our words. It’s easy to misspeak and easy to be misunderstood. Good intentions can be ill-expressed. Innocent remarks can have terrible timing. Because of our responsibility to guard our mouths, we must limit the possibility of offense. We need to identify dangerous times of day and simply not speak during those hours.

Nine out of 10 doctors in America confirm that when our bodies are malnourished and fatigued, we are 99.99% more likely to say something stupid. The tenth doctor hadn’t had lunch yet.

As a result, we realize speaking in the morning is too risky for both the speaker and the listener. Groggy heads, sleepy minds, remnants from a restless night – there are too many variables.

We should also avoid speaking 1-2 hours before any meal when there is any risk of either participant being “hangry,” a medical term that describes the emotional disfluency people suffer when they experience hunger.

Likewise, the last third of the day should be a period of silence because everyone has a weakened tolerance for idiocy when recovering from the rigors of a full day.

Taking these factors into account, the only time for speech should be about 1-1:30 p.m. This prime time is typically directly after lunch when everyone is awake, mildly sedated by food and generally the most tolerant.

This new lifestyle begs a question: won’t our productivity be stinted by the lack of communication? Communication itself does not need to be tampered simply by the lack of speech. Eyebrow mobility, hand gesturing and shoulder shifting can easily fulfill all necessary communication needs. The occasional aptly used grunt could aid a more urgent situation, but care should be taken.

Because people have more time to reflect when preparing material versus haphazardly speaking at will, the written word is more acceptable. In classrooms, professors can simply point to their powerpoints and nod in silence.

If students have questions, raising their shoulders, furrowing their eyebrows and grunting can indicate their confusion.

Speakers for events can follow this example by rapidly fluctuating the speed of their pacing on stage while shifting pointing at the projected written material and the audience.

If you implement this new lifestyle, you will help achieve world peace, cure your depression and clear your skin.