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April Fools: Freshmen concerned they will die alone

A freshman math major, witnessing a proposal, is frozen in fear at the prospect of a relationship while his upperclassmen friend gives advice. Photo: Madeline Peters

This article contains fictional content. Happy April Fools’ Day!

Freshman Chris P. Chreme has had a rough first semester. Much to the shame of his family and friends, Chreme came back from his first semester at Bob Jones University without a fiance. “If you didn’t come home with a fiance at Thanksgiving, did you even go to BJU?” Chreme said.

Freshman Bob Thetomato has faced similar struggles. “I don’t have a full education or a job,” Thetomato said. “All I have to my name is 12 credits. By the time my father was my age he had a Ph.D. and was able to get married. How am I supposed to provide for a wife?”

Thetomato’s fears are in line with a growing trend in freshman males, the inability to commit to a fiance by the end of freshman year. While Bob Jones University used to be a top-ranked school to get your ring by spring, numbers have been plummeting as of late. Even after multiple pleas from administration and a whole chapel series on the importance of a ring by spring, engagement numbers continued to be significantly lower than past years. “Our male freshman students are showing an unbelievable lack of faith,” Dr. Alan Benson, vice president of student development and discipleship said. “Many of them look at the fact that they don’t have a job or an education as a mountain. Men, claim that mountain by faith and claim your bride to be!”

Rightfully destitute freshmen witness another successful proposal. The couple took a more moderate approach to BJU dating, confirming their engagement after a leisurely week of dating. Photo: Madeline Peters

Others are having trouble landing a fiance because they spend their much-needed dating time on schoolwork. “I was shocked by how hard my classes were,” freshman Lay Z. Slacker said. “They actually make us do work! I thought classes were just opportunities to meet people.” Slacker is currently considering transferring to an easier school with a lower ring by spring rate. “I really don’t want to transfer because BJU had such an amazing ring by spring rate, but I don’t have any time to date or find a fiancee here,” Slacker said.

Administration is trying to boost retention rates in various ways. First, they are encouraging students to focus less on school and more on finding a spouse. “Academics are a distraction,” Jon Daulton, director of student life, said. “College isn’t about getting an education – it’s about getting married! You’re not going to live with your books for the rest of your life!” Administration has also implemented a new major, the MRS degree. Benson announced the major in chapel last semester.

“Many young ladies come to college with their major undetermined,” Benson said. “Those who are struggling with whether the MRS degree is the path they should pursue are facing needless stress and uncertainty due to the delay of freshman men in committing. This lack of commitment is most concerning!”

A freshman math major, witnessing a proposal, is frozen in fear at the prospect of a relationship while his upperclassmen friend gives advice.
Photo: Madeline Peters

MRS degree candidates will take courses on how to secure a husband in just one semester. To receive the MRS degree, one must either get a date to artist series or a proposal.

Freshman Adeline McGinnis joined the MRS major after she failed to get a ring by the end of her first semester. “It was getting really embarrassing,” McGinnis said. “My family is getting concerned why I don’t have a husband yet. All of my 16 older sisters had multiple proposals within the first week of college.” McGinnis changed majors to MRS instead of transferring to another school. “I wanted to meet someone organically, but after a full semester and a half of loneliness, I decided it was time for a change,” McGinnis said.

Administration will be monitoring these steps closely to see if an uptick in ring before spring cases results, or if more drastic action needs to be taken.