April Fools Editorial: The question: to speak or not to speak
April 1, 2021
April Fools Debate: should BJU require artist series dates?
April 1, 2021

April Fools: ‘Heartbreaking’: Chick-fil-A to close on campus

Senior Katelyn Lain stares in horror at the poster proclaiming Chick-fil-a's imminent permanent, unchangeable, really happening closing. Photo: Robert Stuber and Andrew Pledger

This article contains fictional content. Happy April Fools’ Day!

Say goodbye to Chick-fil-A’s delicious crispy chicken. The fast-food restaurant in The Den at Bob Jones University will permanently close at the end of April, due to their loss of partnership with Aramark.

“The decision was a hard one to make,” said Phake Jobs, sandwich testing manager of Chick-fil-A on campus. “We realized that we couldn’t partner with Aramark anymore because we were losing a lot of money due to excessive drink refills. I mean, really, does every student need ten refills of sweet tea each meal?”

Jobs said business also has not been booming like it used to when Chick-fil-A first opened up in The Den. “We had lines all the way out the door, after chapel every day,” said Jobs. “Now, because chapel isn’t every day, it’s been harder to get any business.” Jobs said students flock to the dining common more than ever, absolutely avoiding the Chick-fil-A in The Den.

“What is it with the food over in the dining common that makes it better than Chick-fil-A?” said Jobs. “I taste-test at least three hundred sandwiches a day. They’re still as amazing as always. I’m a professional. Ask my mom.”

Senior Katelyn Lain stares in horror at the poster proclaiming Chick-fil-a’s imminent permanent, unchangeable, really happening closing. Photo: Robert Stuber and Andrew Pledger

Several students and teachers across campus are devastated by the news. Culinary arts major Phil A. Friar said Chick-fil-A closing down would be the biggest loss of the century. “Chick-fil-A inspired me to become a chef,” said Friar. “I don’t see how I could possibly go on. My dreams are shattered without my inspiration on campus. This is heartbreaking.” Friar broke down during the interview, unable to continue and say complete sentences through his sobs. “This isn’t going to be published, is it?” he said.

Bobbi Stoola, junior memory major, said she didn’t understand why Chick-fil-A is closing down in The Den. “My lunch is not complete without five Chick-fil-A sandwiches, three large fries and two vanilla milkshakes,” Stoola said. “How else am I supposed to cheer myself up after I bomb a quiz?”

Stoola said she will now have to rely on the next closest option, McDonald’s, where the machine is always broken, for her daily protein milkshake. “It just won’t be the same,” she said.

Dr. Poppy Cox, salad public relations officer in the dining common said he didn’t even know the Chick-fil-A in The Den was closing. “Wait, Chick-fil-A is closing?” Cox said. “Excuse me, I have to go spend the rest of my Bruins Bucks.” Cox quickly excused himself from the interview.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t really care about Chick-fil-A closing down,” Mona Lott, a senior biology major, said. “The dining common is so much better than Chick-fil-A – it has chocolate milk,” Lott said she also enjoys getting pizza from the dining common. “The dining common pizza is better than my mom’s,” Lott said. “Also, have you tried food hacks? Listen: salad bar bacon bits on waffles. Believe me.”

Chick-fil-A has officially set the date of their closing as April 31. Students are encouraged to enjoy their last few moments with the beloved restaurant.