After hundreds of animals from the Bob Jones University serpentarium escaped through the building’s vents last night, the reptiles are wreaking havoc on campus.
During the night, several of the escaped animals entered various buildings on campus. Students in the Mary Gaston dormitory reported that two large lizards showed up in the bathrooms this morning and are chasing students down the halls.
The lizards have been identified by lab assistant and senior biochemistry major Faith Rosario as the missing Mexican beaded lizards, which have venomous bites that are in some cases fatal. The bites are noted for giving the victim a very painful “pins and needles” sensation.
The yellow anaconda has been spotted by Jessica Minor, dean of the School of Health Professions, curled up taking a nap on top of the Mack building. “There is a large lump in its stomach, and BJU faculty are concerned it ate a student,” Minor said.
Students have reported hearing small cries for help coming from the snake all throughout the day.
David McKinney, a faculty member in the Division of Natural Science, has been a suspect in the ongoing criminal investigation over the release of the reptiles.
“Although my client’s recent novel did feature reptiles escaping through the vents from the serpentarium on April 3, my client denies any correlation between that and the recent tragedy that occurred at BJU under the same circumstances,” his lawyer said in a statement.
Steve Figard, another faculty member in the Division of Natural Science, spoke out this morning about the concerning trend of students taking selfies with the escaped Gila monsters. “It doesn’t matter how cute they look,” he said. “Students absolutely must stop making duck lips and posing for pictures with Gila monsters!”
Out of the 20 students that have been bitten so far by Gila monsters, 16 of them were reportedly in the process of posing for a selfie, and all 20 have been hospitalized, due to the lizard’s toxic venom.
“There is a statistically significant correlation between the biting and the selfies,” Figard said. “Even though there may be another variable at play, for the time being, the selfies must stop to protect the general health of the student body.”
BJU students who suffer from herpetophobia, which is the fear of reptiles, flooded the Student Care office this morning wanting confidential counselling about how to deal with the outbreak of creatures on campus. Hannah Chelli, a freshman premed major, said that today on the campus she observed many students crying and walking to class with spears to fend off attacks. The students seem to have gathered the spears from the Samson et Dalilah set.
Individuals should avoid the Bridge of Nations at all costs as the escaped boa constrictors have started hunting in packs around the area. Students who have walked across report suddenly turning to see that their companions have disappeared.
Tabitha Varnell, a sophomore biology major, said her friend Kayleigh Billett was taken by the reptiles on the Bridge of Nations as the students headed to the dining common. “I still can’t believe she disappeared so fast,” Varnell said.
One crocodile clamped down on a Bruin from the track team during practice. No one has been able to identify the student or help pull the crocodile off because the student began screaming and ran off at approximately 20 miles per hour at 7:30 a.m. and has been reported running around campus ever since. The track coach is proud of the distance endurance being observed on the team.
Although half of the force has not survived the reptile attacks, the public safety team recommend that students report any creatures they see so officers can collect them. The team expects the situation to be under control by next week.
At an emergency conference, President Steve Pettit announced that a 500 dollar Bruins Bucks reward will be given to any student who turns in an animal. Pettit also said that the University plans to implement new high security measures such as installing reptile-proof laser walls inside the serpentarium cages to ensure this does not happen again.